My name is Gilbert.
i'm not someone happy
its never a good thing if i come type on this blog, nothing good ever happens, and it will just sound negative. but i don't give a damn about this, its just fucking irritating and annoying to see favouritism at play, yes, i'm jealous that people get to be favouritised and given benefits that i will never ever get to have, work so hard for fuck? it will not be recognised, and working extra hard to be recognised is just tiring, i can't do it forever.
i am sick and tired of working so hard to gain recognition! fuck shit. throughly irritated and extremely vulgar.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
i don't really remember the first time i met you, but i knew you were a very quiet person, i tried knowing you better, and it gave me an unexpected surprise, you were a much more interesting person than i was, your life was a mystery, and it seems to shroud you everytime, but its this mystery that made me like you even more.from the time i knew you were doing it for christmas, i knew i had to make it up for my absence, so i brought you a pie that you can enjoy during the time spent inside, you always seems so quiet and left out, so i made sure i talk to you, so life won't be so lonely for you, people tell me they don't know whether you can be trusted or not, because you have that mysterious aura, but i pulled my heart and believed that you are one of a kind, no one else can be like you.when it was our turn together, you willingly became my partner, and i got to know you better, its like, you are always revealing yourself to me, and i began to know you bit by bit, we can walk together talking about ghost stories, our own relationship experiences, our family background, and our dreams in life, i still remember, so strongly, the ride on the bike, you offered a ride on the bicycle, even though i'm heavier than you, it was almost impossible, but you did it anyway, that grasp around your waist, and the many other positions we tired to fix me onto the bike, its hilarious, but i'm thankful, i will never forget this, just as i won't forget the time we almost fell off the bike, and i began running back to our room, and you rode around, circling me, and showing me how talented you are in cycling, with the sunset as the background, it was beyond paradise, it was as though i was in eden with you, running towards our future, then when we rested, you fell asleep so quickly, the lights dimmed, and it seemed as though you were glowing, i stared at your beautiful face, and realised how mesmerising you were asleep, i kept watch until i fell asleep myself, and honestly, to be sleeping by your side, it gave me a sense of security, something i had never felt before, i knew, it would soon become an addiction to watch you, so, i had to distance myself from you.even if i didn't distance myself, you had already grown further away from me, and we were no longer together anymore, i knew it would not hold any longer, so i had to tell you, that i was deeply in love with you, but i also feared that you would just run away, and ignore me, and soon i would be feeling alone again, but, being the wonderful person you are, one of a kind, you assured me that i'm not going to be lonely again, i thank you for that, i pray that you last long in this harsh and crude world, for i cannot imagine myself here anymore, if you are not here, with me. thanks, bl .
Saturday, May 2, 2009
my life is like a music piece, some parts of the song sounds catchy, and fun, but there are times it would sounds terrible and you'll go: what the hell went wrong? i rely heavily on music to drown my sorrows or to keep my happy mood going, its like, i mood swing depending on the music played. which isn't good.
been trying to drown my thought recently about a certain someone, that person has been on my mind all day, and hard as i might, its impossible to keep those thoughts outta my head, it felt close to miserable to keep thinking about it, but i know its these thoughts that are binded to the memories i will never forget. forgive me my fren.
went to bev's birthday party, went for the picnic, went for marc's birthday party, went for good friday outing, went for clubbing with the group, but through it all, i keep thinking about that person, she left a lasting impression on me, like a tattoo, i actually got one done over the last weekend, but i'm not about to show it, if anyone saw it, they would know who this person is. i wish i could just forget about her, all this thinking is making me tired, and i'm not able to focus when i train, its even harder to block my mind from pain with the thoughts, please help me.
i tried to drown myself with activities, to forget about the special someone, get myself tired so i would sleep, and train harder, so i could catch up with her, but it doesn't work.
so many things i wanna tell her, but i'm unable to, for it is forbidden love.
saw enchik lam with the other instructors at changi airport on thursday, and tang jie is going along with them, its good to see them again, but i must try to distance myself from the engineers, i notice that i'm getting too sticky towards them, i'm unable to let them go so easily. for their own good, and my own, i have to distance myself, really.
nowadays, conversations with people just doesn't feel the same, i dun have the same feeling i had towards my committment as i used to, people change and harmful words were exchanged, why? why do people around me succumb to temper when things don't go the way they want it to? am i the catalyst for their temper?
i guess, it just means i haven't grown up yet, if i'm still feeling so much emotional pain, it means i need to mature faster, only then, will a smile, really be, a smile.
Monday, March 30, 2009
i feel so sad nowadays, life seems so empty and meaningless, i know it isn't, but i can't find the reason to continue this life, its like..... just empty, i feel like i've lost my friends, even though i know they are in camp, i feel like no one wants to talk to me, but that could just be my own misconception, i feel like army now is really meaningless, i dun get to really learn anything interesting, one of my precious fren told me that its not that i dun get to learn anything, i'm just not positive enough to look forward and learn. i believe he is true, but i'm really missing something, and its where i don't wish to move forward from. its my combat engineer life.
the instructors that really showed concern for us, sergeant wang already left for australia, and the chances of seeing them again is really low, some have ord, some are about to ord. i really enjoyed the times we were joking with each other and the words of encouragement when we were going through tough times. these are the small things that i could never really forget.
then there are the 1st and 3rd guards people, the 3rd and 4th sir people, we were once engineers, but now we're so divided, and separated, its like a distance is growing between us, the ones i were so close to in the past, have gone on to a more interesting life ahead, conversations have begun to get off topic a little, i dun want it to be like that.....
my precious section, when i look back at it, i wasn't really proactive while in bunk, i would always run to other sections to find fun, and neglect the other 9 who are in the bunk.
its been so long since i wrote something, but i dun regret, the times i spent outside, doing my engineer stuff, is exciting!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
i've graduated from my field engineer course, but i'm kinda sad that i will be going air force, i love being an engineer, i bought so many engineer stuff, but still, i have to go air force, sadness will overwhelm me, bring me to 30 sce or 4th or 3rd sir, or 1st or 3rd guards! take me away please!
Monday, February 16, 2009
damn pissed again, dunno why i get myself bothered with people who only end up pissing me off, i try to organise an outing so everyone can get together, kenneth makes it, xian zhong says: i'll be there in 30 mins, heng yeong says HE WILL BE THERE when he is done with gym, lazy chong san says he is tired and dun feel like going out when he said he would be able to the day before, zhong wei can't be contacted, as usual, always unable to communicate unless he needs help with his itunes then will contact me, jian wei even worse, SAID HE WILL COME after he joins his mother for lunch!
the outcome of all the lies? its been 30 hours already and xian zhong had not made it for the lunch, he didn't make it a point to inform me, heng yeong FORGOT to let me know he can't come, lazy chong san went out after all, went to bugis to buy computer, jian wei FORGOT to tell me he can't come too, he also forgot a lot of other things, like forgot to say why he went to bugis with lazy chong san instead when i asked him out? and forgot why he said he will join us when he is done with his family shopping, but i only find him at home already, without letting us know! we were prowsing around like fucks! and what the hell is wrong with phones nowadays? its no longer making people mobile, you can never ever connect and reach someone anymore, then what the FUCK is the phone for, you might as well swallow it down.
two "forgets" is it really so easy to forget? it means i dun mean anything to them at all, not even worthy of a fren saying "hey, sorry i can't make it" or you might as well not promise in the first place fuck shit, i hate these kind of people. if you could choose to prioritize other people or other things in front of me when i asked you out, i should do the same.
Monday, January 26, 2009
this new year is relatively boring, but i guess it has been this way for the past 7 years, since her absence from our family, things were never exciting anymore.did some spring cleaning and realised that i left many memories of 2008, it has been a memorable one indeed, with dragonboat to start it off, and a whole new change in lifestyle and physique, then came army, it was another life changing experience. i should really be satisfied with my life, its great as it is.went out with marcus, eric and derek (eric's poly mate) to watch INKHEART, its a nice show, great effects, even greater plot, was hoping to watch a horror movie anyway, but since i was at marina square, i decided it was safer not to watch. then we played mahjong and i was dead tired by then, last night i also saw boon leong with his gf (he claims he doesn't have one), singapore is small indeed, we could use somemore reclaimed land.this morning was stoning and doing some last minute preps before heading to mums, then it was grandma's place, glad to see the extended family there too, means less travelling for the angpows and blessing, aunt helen was there too, so glad to see her, she says i'm her favourite nephew, and i'm really proud to be one. =)on to some horoscope, to all 1987s aka fire rabbit, this year is gonna be a tough one since the fire element is missing, and it is our main element, we have been predicted to get involved in accidents and things can get pretty nasty, so, please, don't jaywalk anymore (i'll stop jay walking too)... it is also a year where financial problems will haunt us, so don't get involved in any debts, just keep your credit portfolio clean.so now, i'm off to doing my dreaded duty at camp, wish me luck, hopefully i can learn something interesting.